In my work as a sacred intimate, I share erotic touch with people of all genders. Through this work, I’ve enjoyed all the ways that men are sexually: soft and hard; penetrable and penetrating; gay, straight, and bi; cisgender, genderqueer and trans; able-bodied and disabled, and every size and shape you can imagine. I joke that I probably see more penises in a week than many other people see in a whole lifetime. And for every man I’ve worked with, the exercises and approaches I share here have felt joyfully transformative. Working with men has been so healing for me. As a child and young woman, I was traumatized by people with penises. I experienced sexual violence, harassment and very bad sex. Men used their genitals as weapons, and they wounded me. When men connect sensuously with their own erotic energy, I see them become careful and nuanced with their genitals. They can enjoy and offer soulful, authentic pleasures. I feel personal healing here. There is also cultural transformation. We resist harmful gender stereotypes, and all the ways they limit love, as we learn to enjoy more pleasures.
The enormous pressure on men to “get it up, get it in and get off” makes sex ridiculously brief, rough, and unsatisfying! Men suffer shame and humiliation when they ejaculate unintentionally. They feel embarrassment and confusion when they don’t get hard. There is deep frustration when they experience inhibited ejaculation. If surgery (or the absence of surgery, or a thousand other reasons) makes erection inaccessible, men stop being sexual! Partners also feel ashamed, disappointed, frustrated and confused. The exercises and understandings in this program create an alternative erotic environment, where erection and ejaculation can come and go without limiting a sexual experience. Many alternatives to penetrative sex are joyfully explored. Once we learn this approach, we will never return to old punishing and limiting paradigms! Relationships can blossom, and joys keep multiplying throughout our lives.
The DSM describes so many sexual disorders. I have not met a single person who didn’t suffer from one or more of them! Almost all cisgender men experience “premature ejaculation” at some point in their lives. Traditional treatments include desensitizing creams, distracting thoughts, pills that muffle sexual feeling, and physical techniques that block ejaculation. These methods are not only ineffective – they cause great harm. After using such techniques for years, men feel numb inside, and turned off sex. They suffer from erectile dysfunction. Traditional treatments for erectile dysfunction involve medicines that can be dangerous, and have harmful or painful side effects. The exercises in this program work in opposite ways. Instead of numbing, we build sensitivity. Instead of erection-enhancing drugs, we choose erection-enhancing pleasures – while simultaneously exploring creative alternatives.
Transgender men suffering from gender dysphoria reach for medical interventions (hormonal and/or surgical) that help them look and feel like cisgender men. But most get no education or experience connecting sensuously with their genitals. Many are left wondering if they are “man enough” to be a passionate and desirable lover. The exercises in this program address this issue – without guiding anyone how to better conform to gender stereotypes. Instead, I invite us all to explore and invent creative ways we can joyfully deconstruct those stereotypes, with loving touch and expanded ecstasies.
Men’s sexual health is suffering. Many men experience numbness or pain in scars from circumcision. One in nine men get diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetimes, while benign prostatic hyperplasia affects up to 90 percent of men with prostates. Many men struggle with anxiety and suicidality. The pleasurable practices in this program are life-affirming. They enhance genital pleasures, pelvic floor health, prostate health and overall sexual health. They help address genital numbness and genital pain. They help us better belong to our sexuality, in all its wonderful diversity, and belong to many ways of exploring and expressing erotic joy.
There is so much suffering and heartache among men and their sexual partners. But there is a simple solution – let’s learn to enjoy more pleasure! By training our bodies to enjoy more pleasure, we learn to amplify, contain and savour sexual energy. For men with biological penises, this means that erection often becomes more accessible. Ejaculation can be more intentional. Integrating anal pleasures, we address prostate health. With soft-penis pleasures, we can stop genital numbness and pain. Learning different ways to pleasure a partner, we expand erotic possibilities. We can feel relaxed and sensual in any erotic encounter – whether or not erection is available, and whether or not we have a biological penis. Learning takes only a few days of conscious commitment to pleasurable practices. Once these basic principles are understood, this new knowledge can be confidently embodied. We can continue to learn and grow throughout our lives, in the joyful exploration of ever-expanding erotic possibilities.
There are 15 exercises described here. You can do the exercises sequentially or randomly. You can do a different one each day, or find an exercise you especially enjoy, and do it every day. I encourage you to have a look at the whole program, and approach it in any way that can be pleasurably integrated into your life. Each exercise should be fun. 15 days with these practices are guaranteed to be transformative. And I know you won’t want to stop using these techniques just because a “problem” is fixed. Your pleasure capacity will grow and grow with ongoing, joyful practice.
This book is a revise of an e-book I created in 2013 called “Orgasmic Mastery for Men.” It is available as a free download: Sensual Man. It includes links to video and audio files. It is offered as a way we can work and play to transform heteropatriarchy, inside and between us. I’d love to hear how it works or doesn’t work for you.