Cultivate your fantasies

Explore finding a doorway to a surprising fantasy that is just right for you, and allowing it to unfold. After listening to the meditation, take time to write about what you experienced, thought or felt. The guided meditation is available as a free MP3 file that can be listened to here

Download here: Fantasy-Doorways

One of the simplest and most effective ways to amplify sexual wellness is to cultivate the erotic imagination. Fantasies can be much more than snippets of distracted erotic thoughts. Stories stimulate our nervous systems and generate physiological arousal. They help bring novelty, focus and adventure to our erotic lives. In fantasies, we have space to freely play, and generate new possibilities.

Yet people often eschew their fantasies, or use them sparingly, because they feel ashamed or afraid of them. Perhaps their fantasies include people – or other beings, practices, organs or orifices – we would never want to interact with in the realm of reality. Ethics, communication and consent are essential in the realm of reality, but in the realm of fantasy we can honor all the archetypes that show up. Sometimes, for some of us, that will include unsafe sex, sex with people or other beings we aren’t in a relationship with, forbidden pleasures, and violent, non-consensual sex. In the realm of fantasy, we can welcome and play with it all.

Let your fantasies be rich with sensual details – fantasize about smells, tastes, textures, colors and physical sensations. Try on different playmates and different settings. Try on different genders. You can explore dominance/submission roles for yourself and others, without needing any education or skills! Notice that fantasy is a full-body experience – and savor your body’s responses. By committing time to our fantasies, paying attention to any arousal they spark in us, and making them deeper, richer and more fully developed, we are building brain maps and integrating neural networks.

Orgasm – the music of origin and end

My dear friend Barry Carl is wonderful practitioner the arts of intimacy. He’s also a musician, and he has woven a new and beautiful soundscape that I take great joy in listening to… It gets me dancing. As I listen, I feel awake and alive – connected to my own soul, and to the universe.

Barry describes his creative process: “A few years ago, I discovered a delicious French web site, called ‘Bijoux Indiscretes’. On it, I found a library of anonymously posted mp3’s of people’s orgasms. I was stunned and delighted at this dazzling gallery of delicious, intimate people noise.” Barry found the immediacy, unvarnished honesty, and sheer variety of sounds from all over the world thrilling.The site allowed downloads, and he began to collect orgasm sounds – with no clear idea of where he was going with the project.

Caffyn Jesse and Barry Carl walking in the woods on Salt Spring Island

The sounds “tickled my musicking brain,” Barry says. “At first I tried to fit the music of orgasm into a more traditional musical framework. But I slowly realized that the music I was reaching toward was the intrinsic, spontaneous music of orgasm itself, rather than the structures that have evolved into what we call music. I was hearing a weaving of sounds into patterns and meanings that were beyond the range of my mind’s ears.”

As Barry talked about his creative process, I realized why I love listening to this piece so much. It’s a beautiful expression of the music-before-music. Solar flares, the pulse of distant stars, birdsong, and orgasm share the same rhythms… I’ve written about how psychedelic medicine and erotic practice can connect us with the ecstatic rhythms of the universe. (SEE HERE and HERE) Here with Barry’s soundscape is another way that works for me. What works for you?

Barry has invited me to post his music for you, for free! He says, “You may want to dance or move to it. You may want to simply listen. It may want to become part of a pleasure practice. You may have your own unique application for it. Whatever your choice, I hope that it brings you joy.”

Breath and Energy Orgasm

This 15-minute “Breath and Energy Orgasm” meditation comes from my early days in the field, when I was first discovering and developing the practices that helped me feel my own erotic aliveness as a path of empowerment and joy. Lots of folks have told me that listening to this meditation has helped them amplify their own erotic aliveness, and enjoy their first energy orgasm.

I came to the work of sacred intimacy by following my own healing path, while thinking I was irrevocably broken, screwed-up and unworthy. In the wake of trauma and neglect, my sexual aliveness was shut down, or it arrived in unwanted and obsessive forms. I had impaired connection with mind, body, spirit and emotions. I listened to the voices in my head. Various talk therapies had done little to shift my sense of wellbeing or help me build capacity for joyful sexuality. But when I found my way to the world of sacred intimacy, and the path learning through body-based exercises and experiences, I grew a lived understanding of unconscious nervous system function. I learned to hold my confusion with compassion, embody the changes I longed for, and coach clients to do this for themselves.

A good first step in reclaiming erotic pleasure is cultivating a sense of celebration for all the ways erotic energy shows up in us. We can learn to welcome the feeling of sexual energy without judging it or needing to act on it. Erotic energy is life-force energy, sacred and innocent, powerful and magnificent. This meditation is about playing with sexual energy – something so few of us have been encouraged to do. We can expand into what is possible for us erotically, when we can explore cultivating erotic feeling playfully, at a pace that is just right for us. With curiosity and without compulsion, we can practice noticing when and how we want to invite erotic energy into our bodies and our lives. As we learn to play with this energy, we can also learn to have more choice about how to access it, what to do with it, who to play with and how to play.




Welcome Home Ritual

What if there was no part of ourselves that was too shameful, ugly and unlovable to be welcomed home? I want to weave a world where we can bring our most our impossible-to-hold parts to our intimates, to have them listened to, and loved. Not fixed, denied, reassured, soothed, transformed or shamed. Welcomed. Cherished. For many years, in monthly rituals I co-create with dear friends Tricia Bowler and MJ Haines, we have taken turns offering each other the experience of having a problematic part of ourselves welcomed home. Over time, the embodied experience of being welcomed in my unlovable parts has deepened my capacity for intimacy, and self-intimacy. I don’t have to leave parts of myself out of awareness, or out of relationship, because they need to be hidden, fixed, or changed to make me more loveable. I can better see the harmful impacts of my different parts, when I am not trying to hide and deny them. I can better imagine a world in which no one is too lost, ugly or shameful to be welcomed home. “Welcome Home” has become a key principle and a practice that informs all my work and play. Together with dear friends and colleagues West and Noah Klöze, I am offering a webinar May 17 where we demo and discuss “Welcome Home”. It is part of the SSEA’s 2022 webinar series.