Make love to your habit – it’s a different approach than you might find with other teachers of eros and intimacy. And for me, this is an important guiding principle. We want to work and play together in ways that encourage shy souls to show up, feel honoured, and to thrive.
People often land in the studio of a sacred intimate with notions of “fixing sexual dysfunctions” or “overcoming sexual addictions”. These destructive paradigms shame our creative adaptations, and bully us with rules for normative belonging. Step-by-step instructions for coaxing arousal in specific ways from specific spots are usually just as unhelpful. (New recipes might be fun to try – if you can do so with lighthearted curiosity. Prostate massage, G-Spot, A-Spot, or P-spot touch are ecstatic for some, while they leave others cold and flat.) We are each wired differently. We have specific core erotic themes. We have different paths to arousal and orgasm. Instead of making more rules for how to do it right, we can create welcoming environments, where our particular bodies and unique souls feel encouraged to explore their very own, ever-emerging truths. Arousal and orgasm often unfold according to habitual scripts that keep eros accessible, but safe and small. It is the work and play of sacred intimacy to make love to our habits.
What is your habitual path to orgasm? Celebrate your awesome habit! Then try making love to your habit. Whether in self-pleasuring or in partner play, try changing some small thing. See if you can tease your habit, just enough so it feels challenged to more delight, without being demeaned or overwhelmed. Try standing up for a minute, or half a minute, instead of just sitting in front of the computer while you are porn-watching. Dress your favorite fantasy in a new outfit or a different gender. Try stretching instead of clenching. Add a bit more breath, sound or movement. Notice if your trajectory towards orgasm slows too much, and your arousal gets lost. Be ready to return to your awesome habit. Try pendulating back and forth, spending a minute on your habitual path to orgasm and a half-minute trying something new. See if making your journey less habitual makes your arousal and orgasm more or less joyful. There is no correct answer, just this ongoing exploring of what paths are right for you, to access more ecstasy.
As another way to make love to your habit, try following your habitual path to orgasm, then set the timer for another twenty minutes. Explore some touch. Engage your arousal with breath, sound, movement and imagination, and notice any sensations, emotions or orgasms that unfold in that extra time.